Thoughts on "Depression Hates a Moving Target": What I Mean by Relatable

Relatable — I used this word in my reviews of Depression Hates a Moving Target by Nita Sweeney on Goodreads and Amazon. It's a nice word, but overused of late. So, it feels lazy.

What do I mean? I connected with this book. It made me reflect more on my own first marathon experience. It made me want to put on my running shoes and head out the door again. In fact, I did.

Now, typically, my mental health doesn't hinder my ability to do the stuff I want to do and my body flies under the radar. Still, I also felt goofy stepping out in my running gear a lot of the time. I didn't see myself as a "runner" or an athlete. And, I had no idea if I could run 13 miles let alone 26.2 when I started. More to the point, could I stay moving for the 4+ hours straight it would take to complete the marathon? To do the training mileage, I knew I'd have to run through streets and trails on my own and that made me nervous, too.

Waves of grief wash us to strange shores. When I was a hospice volunteer, people whose loved ones were dying often asked me if I had lost a parent. They wanted to know if I could fathom this loss. At the time, I had not. I knew loss, but not the depths of that particular hole. Then, my father died.

My mother often asks me what I will want after she dies: a ring, a glass, a set of dishes? In truth, I have no idea. Grief takes us to unexpected places. Not long after my father died, I decided to run a marathon. I downloaded a half marathon training program and began to follow it — I didn't know how far or long I could run, but I knew I could stick to a plan.

Then, the way I do when I am interested in anything, I began reading:

• Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen by Christopher McDougall
• Finding Ultra: Rejecting Middle Age, Becoming One of the World's Fittest Men, and Discovering Myself by Rich Roll
• Eat and Run: My Unlikely Journey to Ultramarathon Greatness by Scott Jurek

These ultra runners' achievements made my own aspirations seem tame, perhaps doable. I even started having ultra fantasies (like doing the Vegan Power 50K). Then, I asked, "What about the women?". And so, I read:

• Lifelong Running: Overcome the 11 Myths about Running and Live a Healthier Life by Ruth E. Heidrich 
• First Ladies of Running: 22 Inspiring Profiles of the Rebels, Rule Breakers, and Visionaries Who Changed the Sport Forever by Amby Burfoo
• Running Your First Ultra: Customizable Training Plans for Your First 50K to 100-mile Race by Krissy Moehl 

Still, all of these people were dedicated, even obsessed, runners. Were there books by someone more like me — a casual runner out for the first time? So, I read:

• What I Talk About When I Talk About Running by Haruki Murakami (a favorite writer)
• First Marathons: Personal Encounters with the 26.2-Mile Monster by Gail Waesche 
• The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons Why I Run Long Distances by Matthew Inman (humor)

These were fun, but still not exactly what I was looking for. I read one book that seemed promising about a woman getting into running, but I hated the way she talked about boyfriends and dieting and didn't like running. I loved Always Too Much and Never Enough by Jasmin Singer although it was about a lot more than running, too.

After I completed my second marathon (I didn't want to be "one and done" and I had to prove to myself that I could actually complete a marathon before I running the one I told all my friends I was going to do), I mostly stopped running, but I did do more reading (and watching) on the topic:

• Reborn on the Run: My Journey from Addiction to Ultramarathons by Catra Corbett  
• Finding Gobi: A Little Dog with a Very Big Heart by Dion Leonard
• Running for Good: The Fiona Oakes Documentary

Then Depression Hates a Moving Target was published. This was the book I wish I'd had when I was training! It's a fast-paced read in which author Nita Sweeney describes her journey from finding the courage to bounce along for 20 minutes in a secluded ravine to running her first 5K and eventually completing a marathon.

It perfectly captures so many feelings from that first step out to becoming obsessed with gear and one day calling 13 miles a short run. I loved this quote: "What changes your life is the day-to-day stuff leading up to and following the events." What resonated for me was that it wasn't really about the official marathon race — it was all the after work and weekend training runs leading up to it that made me capable. That was the achievement. In addition, the author describes coping with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and loss. I had to stop at the end of one paragraph and call my mom. All the feels. Sweeney also describes the beauty of being outdoors — really this is a gift — and running with her companion dog — bonus!

For me running was catharsis, a way to move through grief. When I was in high school, I was recruited to the cross country team.

As I considered joining the team I asked my dad, "How far are the races?"

"A marathon," he guessed.

So I joined the team thinking I'd have to run 26.2 miles and was relieved to discover the races were just 3.1 miles.

Somewhere in my grief my mind resurrected this idea. "Dad would be proud if I actually ran a marathon," I thought. Often when I was running an "official" half marathon, and certainly during the two full marathons I completed, I would be thinking about my dad and bawling.

One thing Sweeney did successfully on her journey was find her tribe. I tried, but I found running to be a largely solitary experience even though I did have some great long runs with a few friends and loved the camaraderie of races and trail runs.

If you're starting your running journey, Sweeney's book — with some great practical tips and resources at the end — may be the running friend you need.

I know, especially if I ever do start training for the Vegan Power 50K, I'll read it again.